Electronic Arts’ E3 2015 News

Here’s the news from the EA E3 press briefing:

• The new Mass Effect has a name, it’s Mass Effect: Andromeda. “Discover a new galaxy.”
• Need for Speed. No subtitle. Customization, what a surprise. “A new narrative.” with five ways to play. November 3rd. Looks good. I’ve been playing a bunch of Wreckfest lately and getting back into arcade racing.
• Star Wars: The Old Republic has a new expansion, Knights of the Fallen Empire. October 27th. Free to paid subscribers, free 2 play players are left out I guess?
• “…next two original IPs…” STOP SAYING “IP”
• Unravel. A cat made out of yarn called Yarny. Puzzle-platformer. The yarn that Yarny is made out of unravels while you move. It’s nice to have a completely different tone to this than the extreme bro-ocity of Need For Speed.
• Of course we have to revisit Plants vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2. A zombie walks out on stage in a super hero outfit. The Zombie is ushered offstage while a joke, “You can’t take Zombies anywhere.” is delivered flatly and received by the audience with no reaction. Excuse me while I take a 5 minute power nap. Zombie co-op mode called Graveyard Ops. Local split-screen. A timer on-screen reminds us that it is only 35 minutes to Star Wars: Battlefront. Garden Warfare 2 launches spring 2016. Free content updates are promised.
• NHL 16. Lots of Tim Hortons advertisements on the boards.
• PGA Tour.
• EA Sports Ultimate Team. It’s the same dumb card game thing.
• NBA Live 16. “Rooted in self-expression.” Hoop God is here to show us how to do stuff. Face scanning. Face scanning is the stuff Hoop God is here to show us how to do. September 29th. Phone app for the face scanning. Apparently it’s spelled THAHoopGawd. “Up your swag.” No, up your swag. Dude only has one tweet.
• Here’s a little secret between you and me, I didn’t even know that the Golden State Warriors were a professional team and I’ve been in Oakland since 2011. I thought they were a college team.
• Star Wars: Galaxy of Heroes collectible card game for phones.
• Minions Paradise. I’ve never see any of the Despicable Me movies. This awful game has two currency systems on screen already.
• Pelé is on screen talking over a montage of football video. Now he’s on stage. The crowd rose to all take cell-phone photos. Nobody think about the current FIFA scandal. Nothing is wrong in the world of football. Pelé is here to make you feel better.
• FIFA 16. “Tons of innovations in our game.”  We’re once again reminded that it there are only 15 minutes until Star Wars: Battlefront. “Women’s teams are in the game.” Okay, that’s legitimately innovative.
• “What would life be like if we willingly gave up our privacy?” I don’t know, is Eric Schmidt up next to tell us about how we’ve been doing that for years? Oh, never mind. It’s Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst. “She doesn’t need any guns.” Correct, Faith doesn’t. Please don’t ruin Catalyst with them. In-engine footage. February 23rd, 2016. Awesome. The game looks like they’ve been inspired by the lens-flares of Mass Effect.
• Madden 16. Some dude from ESPN 2. I just hear the trombone sound of the parents from Peanuts speaking. Draft Champions is helpfully on-screen because I had forgotten what they were talking about. Fantasy football. That’s what they were talking about. I’m checking on my Fallout: Shelter on the iPhone.
• Fuck the timer, the Battlefront trailer is already on YouTube:

That’s it.